I have moved!

To Wordpress:

http://occasionalwallflower.wordpress.com/

Everything is over there now and I will delete this soon :)

Things to Live For

1. The Boy

2. My puppy

3. Funtime with the housemates

4. Funtimes with people at work (dancing to the nutbush, paper towel togas!)

5. The Best Friend and Mumsie2 (her mum, they looked after me as a screwed up teenager, they are like family), and all the amazing memories

6. Trashy movies, up to and including romantic comedies starring Jennifer Anniston

7. Long baths with bath salts, candles, and music blaring (singing along is good too!)

8. Music to match your mood

9. Terrible TV that you can't help smiling at

10. Naps with my puppy

11. Spending copious amounts of money on footwear and shiny things

12. Walking in the rain

13. Sleeping in on a sunday

14. Amazing sex with the person you love

15. Cuddles and talks in bed

16. Inside jokes

17. Going out- drinking, laughing, singing

Note To Self:

Do not try going shopping whilst you are emotional and clearly on the verge of some sort of break down. You will get around the corner and burst into tears again.

Fuck your life.

Horrible Week

I am just so goddamn sick of feeling like this. I am sick and tired of wanting to die, of wanting to be alone, of hating being lonely. It's enough to make one's brain explode.

I am sick of my conflicting feelings, of wanting a different thing every hour. I am sick of curling up in the fetal position and balling my eyes out. My puppy gets very worried. This has been my week though- crying, anger, suicidal thoughts, being lonely but not wanting anyone around. It feels fucked up and insane and I don't know what to do. Feeling like this exacerbates the anger and I just want some relief. But how do I get it?

I have considered calling the crisis team again but going through that again makes me want to cry. They are temporary. I need permanency. A permanent solution to being crazy. The sad part is there isn't one. There isn't a permanent solution. You can break a leg and have it reset but break your mind and you're fucked. I have a long trudge up a long, muddy hill ahead of me. I have to take my meds, and talk, and attend therapy, and try not to kill myself. But for how long? How fucking long will this continue? The only answer I can think of is forever. I don't think there is a cure, just remission.

I don't want to be alone in this big empty house right now. But like everything, I have little choice and no control. Here come the waterworks again. Sigh.

I Just Want Oblivion

Last week, I ventured over the border to see the Best Friend and her wonderful Mum. I stayed from Wednesday until yesterday where I endured the 8 hour bus ride and arrived safely home into the arms of the Boy and paws of my puppy.

The mini break was a much needed holiday from work which has been stressing me out lately, to say the least. It was like going home (except better). I puttered around, napped, read, and basically just relaxed. We went to the city one night and enjoyed the anonymity and shopping, and went for dinner and drinks another. But the majority of the week was spent relaxing which is something that I really needed. It was a wonderful trip, in general.

Things sort of went bad in the last couple of days though. I started to feel.. not myself. I became someone unfamiliar- quiet, withdrawn, uncomfortable in my own skin. I became rude and frankly, I just couldn't be arsed doing anything. I wanted to be left alone, and everything was dulled, including physical sensation. It was strange.

I saw the Boy last night after I arrived and showered and he seemed slightly worried (sorry!). I am still not feeling well, honestly. I just want oblivion.

Feeling crazy

I feel trapped inside my head, and as though my life is dicatated by my moods.

I feel like a crazy bitch.

A Bad Night, Love, and an Anticipated Holiday

Things have gotten better today but last night was hell. I was restless and jittery and felt like.. crap, to be blunt. I had too much energy but not in the good way.

I wanted to break things. I wanted to punch things. I wanted to yell and scream and throw a tantrum. I wanted to be a huge, spoilt, selfish child. I wanted to be that annoying kid in the supermarket who yells and screams at his tight lipped mother, who makes everyone want to leave the shop.

I practiced restraint and kept myself safe with help from the Boy. It wasn't easy but eventually, I crashed. I slept in fits. From 1am until 3am. Then 4am to 5am. Then 5.30am until 9am. Then I woke at 10am. I hate broken sleep. It got better as the morning wore on but it was a long night. The thought of sleeping is filling me with such anxiety. I need to sleep. That weariness is filling my bones and I don't want to do anything. I lie in bed, waiting for oblivion but  nothing. Have my meds stopped working?

I was so close to calling the crisis team but I don't want to go to hospital and I am clearly capable of keeping myself safe. I. Just. Felt. Baaaad.

Enough whinging. Today was good. I was slightly low and lethargic but my Best Friend came to visit me. I haven't seen her in a year and I have known her since I was twelve. We live in different states now so the time we get is rare and therefore precious. I am crossing the border and staying with her for almost a week. A much needed holiday.

I have spent tonight with the Boy. It has been very nice and has made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Naaww. He makes me smile which has been an achievement today.

My plan for the week ahead: to keep myself safe, and relax.