Horrible Week

I am just so goddamn sick of feeling like this. I am sick and tired of wanting to die, of wanting to be alone, of hating being lonely. It's enough to make one's brain explode.

I am sick of my conflicting feelings, of wanting a different thing every hour. I am sick of curling up in the fetal position and balling my eyes out. My puppy gets very worried. This has been my week though- crying, anger, suicidal thoughts, being lonely but not wanting anyone around. It feels fucked up and insane and I don't know what to do. Feeling like this exacerbates the anger and I just want some relief. But how do I get it?

I have considered calling the crisis team again but going through that again makes me want to cry. They are temporary. I need permanency. A permanent solution to being crazy. The sad part is there isn't one. There isn't a permanent solution. You can break a leg and have it reset but break your mind and you're fucked. I have a long trudge up a long, muddy hill ahead of me. I have to take my meds, and talk, and attend therapy, and try not to kill myself. But for how long? How fucking long will this continue? The only answer I can think of is forever. I don't think there is a cure, just remission.

I don't want to be alone in this big empty house right now. But like everything, I have little choice and no control. Here come the waterworks again. Sigh.