Things have gotten better today but last night was hell. I was restless and jittery and felt like.. crap, to be blunt. I had too much energy but not in the good way.
I wanted to break things. I wanted to punch things. I wanted to yell and scream and throw a tantrum. I wanted to be a huge, spoilt, selfish child. I wanted to be that annoying kid in the supermarket who yells and screams at his tight lipped mother, who makes everyone want to leave the shop.
I practiced restraint and kept myself safe with help from the Boy. It wasn't easy but eventually, I crashed. I slept in fits. From 1am until 3am. Then 4am to 5am. Then 5.30am until 9am. Then I woke at 10am. I hate broken sleep. It got better as the morning wore on but it was a long night. The thought of sleeping is filling me with such anxiety. I need to sleep. That weariness is filling my bones and I don't want to do anything. I lie in bed, waiting for oblivion but nothing. Have my meds stopped working?
I was so close to calling the crisis team but I don't want to go to hospital and I am clearly capable of keeping myself safe. I. Just. Felt. Baaaad.
Enough whinging. Today was good. I was slightly low and lethargic but my Best Friend came to visit me. I haven't seen her in a year and I have known her since I was twelve. We live in different states now so the time we get is rare and therefore precious. I am crossing the border and staying with her for almost a week. A much needed holiday.
I have spent tonight with the Boy. It has been very nice and has made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Naaww. He makes me smile which has been an achievement today.
My plan for the week ahead: to keep myself safe, and relax.
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