Happy Hour

Life is better..
.. on the other end of a 12 hour shift
.. with a frog mask
.. with someone looking out for you

Meh-ness

I saw Mr. Psych Man today. It was somewhat awkward. I have had a meh couple of weeks so I went in and started rambling about all my meh-ness and death. I have been in one of those ever so lovely throw-yourself-under-a-bus moods for a few weeks now and I decided to disclose this information. I am noty entirely sure if I did the right thing but he called ACIS (assessment and crisis intervention service) and now they are sort of.. keeping an eye on me. I think I need to have a meeting with them either today or tomorrow. This is scary stuff. Mr. Psych Man thinks that they may want to admit me to  hospital. "Just for a few days,' he said.. I can't afford a few days!

I have spent the last few weeks angry and lethargic, staying in bed only to emerge to yell at people. They Boy and I had an argument the other day which shows just how irritable I am as I hate being mad at him. This is apparently a symptom of depression. Who knew?

So I am waiting for ACIS to call me back.. 2 hours and 37 minutes to go. I just want to know what is going to happen. Until then, I am going back to bed.

Cheerlessness

I see Mr. Psych Man on Tuesday. It has been about a month and it is not something I am particularly looking forward to. But it may be helpful. I have decided to at least tell him about the irritability. Mainly because I went to work last night and was not-very-nice to a few people who annoy me in general. I am usually civil to people who annoy me but lately, I have been so angry. I am not really sure why. I feel like I can't really do anything right which causes depression. 

What a ridiculous cycle.

What happened?

I have spent a lot of time cutting deals with myself about work. You know how it is,'if they "forget" my break once more, I am quitting..', 'if basic things aren't done when I come in next, I am quitting..',  'if they call me in one more time on a day off, I am quitting'. They have driven me slightly madder and so now I am quitting. The glamorous life of fast food shall be no more. I am slightly disappointed that I will not come home smelling of a fryer but it is time for bigger and better things. Anyway, I can always roll around in fried foods if I miss that feeling too much. God, I am sick to death of not getting breaks, of staying late, of being paid the minimum of minimum wage. So, if you know of any jobs going that do not involve prostitution or chicken, give me a call.

My brother and I used to play taxi on our bunk beds. I guess it was a double decker taxi or something because one of us would sit on the top occasionally. We would fight over being the driver and write the name and number of our taxi company on the sides. Our bunk bed was wooden. Then we would pretend to pick up fares. Sometimes, we would pick each other up and sometimes we would pretend we were rival taxi companies. We would spend hours and hours playing this game, lost in our imaginary world. Mum would come into our bedroom to see what we were doing and go crazy for drawing on our beds. We had so much fun though.

We used to walk home from school everyday with our Mum. My parents had recently divorced and this was before my step-Dad had arrived on the scene. We would take it in turns to pick which way we would walk home. My brother would call every new way home a "short cut", even if it took longer. Sometimes we would take ages walking home because we were collecting leaves- big ones, small ones, green ones, yellow ones. We didn't do anything with them, just collect them, and let them sit around the house, rotting away until Mum threw them out. We would get so lost in our own worlds, just walking, and smiling. We were always so happy, even when our parents had split up, even when they were fighting, even after they would get angry at the world. We just smiled and laughed, and the whole world was so magical.

What happened?

It has been such a "meh" few days. I just want them to end.

Glamour and Irritablilty

So the fast food industry isn't as glamorous as they make out on TV. I was not paid AGAIN today. This is the second fortnight in a row and I am completely broke. Thank God I have an amazingly awesome boyfriend who is driving me into work today (insert mandatory gooey mushiness about aforementioned boyfriend).

I have been feeling quite irratible lately (and not just about said pay problems). I am not sure if that is the meds or the depression. Everything is just driving me a bit mad at the moment. Don't want to spend time with me? Grrr! DOn't want to go out Saturday night? Grr! Now, I don't know about you, but I am usually fairly laid back and easy going.. mate. But these last few weeks have driven me to distraction. Every minor thing is sending me off the rails and I am not sure why. But I have stopped answering messages and calls again, and I have been locking myself in my room at  night just so I don't acidentally yell at a stray housemate who tries to start a conversation that isn't on my terms. These are not rational reasons to be angry all the time.

I am desperately looking forward to going back to Uni. I want to fill my head with knowledge and come home to the Boy and struggle to explain new things. I went about two years ago and decided that the course I had chosen to study- Social Work- wasn't really for me. I wasn't really in the right fram of mind for study, I wasn't serious about it, and I skipped a lot of lectures due to depression. I also failed Journalism because I was too anxious to call people. But I am different now. Sure, I still get depressed and anxious but I am ready to study and excited about it, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Still on the Zoloft. I see my Doctorb (the b is for bargain!) in just under a month, and my psych in about ten days. I am not really sure whether I should tell my doctor about being so irritable lately or just leave it. I guess I will decide before I see him. Should I tell my psych man? Decisions, decisions. It's not that I want to withold anything, I am just not sure if it's all in my head.

The Boy will be here to pick me up for work soon. I best be off to do boring domestic chores before I need to leave to be glamorously greasy. Cheers.

Zoloft and other nonsense

Just in case I have to go through all this nonsense again, I want to record what I have been through. I am on 100 mg of Zoloft. I started out on 50mg (no improvement), then went to 75mg (slight improvement), and am currently on 100mg a day. This has given me more energy, and some better, more euphoric days.

I still have horrible, horrible days where all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there but these have been reduced significantly.

I am also seeing a psychologist (he is in his 30s and has a terrible receding hairline) who I have mixed feelings about. At first, I hated him but our last session was really good. So I am unsure as to whether I should continue seeing him or ditch his arse.. yo. I have had all of three sessions with him.

I know, I know. This is not second date material, is it? This is fifth date material after we have slept together and I have roped you in. But I am one of those crazy girls who reveals too much. I am lovably neurotic!

Today, I have learnt that anything described as a "great beach read" will not be good. On a scale of one to trash, it will be an 11. Don't do it.

An awkward hello

This feels like a first date- awkward.. and I have no idea what to say. There will most definitely be some nervous laughter and a few too many drinks followed by going back to your place and passing out on the couch. Disappointing, I know.

So! I am 20, a girl, and from Australia. Erm, g'day? I have a puppy.

He is nearly five months now. Yes, I am one of those lame people who talk to their pets in a high pitched voice and treat them like children. I have not gone as far as dressing him up.. yet.

I have a boyfriend who I also talk to in a high pitched voice and treat like a child.

He is the love of my life and has been with me for 11 months now (almost a year! *excited squeals*). I am very fortunate to have him as he puts up with my "quirks".. and by quirks, I mean madness.

I live with my housemates who are fairly amazing people.

I am fairly reclusive. I read, and internet (here comes the nervous laughter), and sometimes leave the house for supplies.

I work in retail hospitality (fast food.. ha!), and want to study to be a neuropsychologist (yes, i am intelligent, how did you know?).

Other than that, I have depression and anxiety. This is probably the thing I will write about mostly, just because I am finally undergoing proper treatment with a fantastic doctor and would like a place to be fairly introspective. So this is for me (depsite horrible introductions).

So yes, my place or yours?