BPD in Detail

It has been a low day today. I woke up frequently throughout the night which isn't new except this time, I continuously woke up due to clogged up nasal passges and a bark worse than my dog's. I can usually handle physical illness (complaining is a coping straegy!) but this is getting me down. I think this may be mainly mental though. I have the feeling that even if I were healthy as a horse, I'd be down.

I have been thinking more about BPD and it seems to make sense. I have been reading more about it. These are the criteria outlined in the DSM-IV:

 1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
This is me. Plain and simple. Terrified of abandonment. So terrified that I will invent signs that you are about to abandon me. Then you get to see me lose my shit and cry and beg you to stay while you are sitting there wondering what is going on.

  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. 
Ahh.. now this is a talent. I will take the example of my Mother Dearest. Some days, I adore her. Somedays, she is the strongest woman alive and I can forgive the mistakes she has made in the past because she has had a hard life. But most days, she infuriates me and I wish for her to be cheerily burned at the stake. OK, that's a bit far but you get the picture.

  3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 
I guess this is true. My self-image seems to change with mood. When depressed, I am the scum of the earth and no one should have to endure my company. When euphoric, I am amazing and spend hours entertaining people with my witty banter.

  4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion
I lost my virginity to a total stranger. Enough said.

  5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior 
I used to cut and I often fantasise about suicide. Sometimes I still get the urge to cut but I haven't in just over a year now. I used to cut several times a day when I was a teenager though. The trend here seems to be stress. I have always cut the most at the most stressful times of my life which says a lot, I think. For me, cutting has always been a release, a coping strategy.

  6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 
This one I am not so sure about. I do seem to feel things more intensely than others which shows in how I react to other people and their actions. But my moods always seem to last a lot longer. Granted, they can last hours but sometimes, they can last weeks and months as well.

  7. chronic feelings of emptiness 
These have plagued me for years.

  8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) 
I often feel intense anger for no or very little reason. I don't get into physical fights but I often start verbal arguments with the Boy (how does he put up with me?) when I get angry. My anger is mostly internal though. I will get mad, want to hit something and then calm down eventually. Unless you know me, you won't know that I am mad. I get very quiet and start to rant and rave in my head.

  9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
I wasn't aware of this until I saw the psychiatrist because I was only vaguely aware of what it was, but I dissociate. I leave my body for what can seem like hours and feel.. odd. I know that I am speaking but it doesn't feel like me, and it seems like someone else is controlling me. When I feel like this, I don't feel like I have control over my body, my words, my thoughts. I also used to have a lot of flashbacks, they are less frequent now though. They always seem so real. I genuinely believe that I am in another time or place and I get so anxious, I worry that my head will explode, and then I'm back. These things scare the absolute shit out of me.

So I have come to the conclusion that the psychiatrist may have been correct in her analysis of me, and that DBT may help. Argh. I just don't want to feel like a lazy shit.