How low can you go?

The Crisis Team have been checking up with me for a few days now. They call almost daily and try to engage me in conversation. Occasionally, it works and I am able to talk about my dog or my day but for the most part, there is awkward silence as they struggle for words and I hear them typing in the background. I know that it makes them uncomfortable but conversation has always been an effort for me when I get depressed. I ask the same questions and go around in circles.

My concentration is appalling. I frequently walk into rooms and forget why I'm there. I open cupboards and stare into them, forgetting what I was looking for. I walked around the supermarket today in a daze, forgetting what I wanted, getting distracted by things that I didn't need. I just wander around, not wanting to see anyone, embarrassed that they will see my depressed shuffle, scared that they will look into my eyes and see the dark thoughts plaguing me.

I am seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow. When Mr. Psych Man called the crisis team, he mentioned that they may want to hospitalise me and this is all I can think about. I hate hospitals, they terrify me. Call me crazy (haha!), call me irrational, I don't care. I do not like hospitals. So staying in one scares the shit out of me. I am also nervous because I don't know what to expect. Apart from medication, what can a psychiatrist do for me that my psychologist can't?

I saw my Doctorb the other day. He increased my meds to 150mg. Due to recent depression though, I keep forgetting to take them and have been taking them at all different times of the day. I can't see how this helps my mood. Jesus hates me, I'm sure of it.



From the much read, much loved Postecret